From the Shadowrun Proboards"
OOC: Ronilion, "Hey Krass!"
OOC: Krass, "Yeah?"
OOC: Ronilion, "I've always wondered. Are you a Republican or Democrat in Game? I'm not sure what political parties exist in SR."
OOC: Krass, "Well if we equate it with this time, I would be a Democrat. For instance: To support my December rate-increase request, the Seattle utility, 'Seattle Gas Services', said it needs more money because too many of its customers have lowered their bills by heeding calls to conserve energy. And a November report commissioned by the U.C.A.S. Chamber of Commerce included the proposal that the U.C.A.S. Congress replenish the Highway Trust Fund by imposing a special tax on gas-saving hybrid cars (in that those cars consume less fuel than regular cars and therefore pay less in gasoline tax). See I berate people for not doing enough and then I penalize the ones that do try. That's Democratic!"
Krondax, "ROTF! Krass, i think i love you........in a non gay way i mean....ermm...yuou know what i mean. anyway, i dont think that i could have said it any better."
Fatman, "Ronilion should have known the answer to that question already, Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant."
The Great Krass

Fatman, "Welcome back from vacation ladies and gentlemen, this first Game of 2006 is guaranteed to be a hot one. In fact, I plan to cremate every player that dies here today."
Ronilion, "You know it's January when you've returned all your Christmas gifts, signed up for Weight Watchers, and put the fruitcake away for another year. Where's Krass?"
Eon, "Krass is already here. He's in the bathroom -- combing his legs. It seems he had a hot date last night and when he woke up the next morning he thought it was Richard Simmons. He says he feels a little queasy."
Ronilion, "It's so cold, skinheads are wearing toupees. I think the wind chill factor is 20 degrees below Minnesota. I see the Energizer Bunny is on. He may keep going and going, but it'll be so cold tonight I'll bet the Fatman will be singing that old favorite "Don't It Make Your Pink Ears Turn Blue?"
Drassel, "We're waiting on Krass to get back. He must be in the building. I haven't seen him yet, but Eon just took out her can of industrial strength mace. So what's the game tonight?"
Fatman, "Bubba, The Vampire Slayer," the new Fox show about a Waco teenager who drives a tractor to school, has seven of his own teeth, and can’t get a date because he’s too busy killing the undead. Starring Jeff Foxworthy as Bubba and the Oakridge Boys as the vampires. It starts with Krass in a Winnebago going over Niagara Falls."
JoAnne, "Fatman? Lay off the holiday eggnog."
The Great Krass

Krass to GM, "While Eon is bent over and handing presents from under the tree I grab her ass. When she looks I'll point at Luddington who is standing next to me."
OOC: Ronilion, disgusted, "Yeah. like she will really believe THAT!"
OOC: Krass, "Screw it, I do it anyway."
Fatman, "Eon, you feel someone grab your posterior, affectionately."
Eon, enraged, "I turn around an backfist Krass."
OOC: Fatman, "Which way do you turn and which hand?"
Eon, "I spin right and use my right hand of course."
Fatman, "Well it was fifty/fifty, unfortunately you just backhanded Luddington who is standing to Krass's right. "
Krass, trying to keep a straight face is not succeeding, "Hey Padre, you should have asked if this seat was taken first. I'll bet he thought Eon's Dad was a baker because she has nice buns."
Eon, glares at Krass as Luddington gets knocked back wards, "So you think your God's Gift to woman? Let's send you back to him." She stuffs Krass head first into a trash can.
The Great Krass

Ronilion to Eon, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"
Eon on the roof of the building peers down over the side. "Absolutely. It's fun. JoAnne is keeping score and Luddington offered to bring up the bricks." She drops one over the side carefully. Screams and yells are heard.
Ronilion looks over the side and sees Krass dimly spread eagle and tied down over a bullseye target. His scrotum is on the center mark. Several bricks are laying around him.
JoAnne looks up and yells, "Up just a little bit more."
Ronilion shakes his head, "The party games get harder every year."
The Great Krass

Twitch (decker): OK -- this is gonna be a really hard hack. If smoke starts coming outa my ears, that's OK, but if my Deck starts smoking, unplug me! I paid too much for that damned thing for it to get burnt!

Gabe (mage): And your head is worth...?

Twitch: Depends on who you ask. Lone Star sez a measly 100Gs, but I ain't put any ware in it yet, so...

The Great Krass:

OOC: Krass, "HEY! Did anyone notice the changes in the Quotefile? Go over and vote for your favorite, me, 'Mayor Krass!' Remember a vote on the Quotefile means ..... means.... what the heck is the word I'm looking for?"
Eon, " Your a Pervert."

Luddington, "Your a Pagan."

Ronilion, "Absolutely Nothing."

Drassel, "Money."

Krass, "That's it Money and Babe's!"

(after steadliy mowing down KE security and personal bodyguards after a jaunt as a flower deliverer failed, talking to the target of the extraction)
Dodger: "I believe these are for you" (The formation of the Militant Flowers)
[Remy's Dodger]

Dodger: You shot me, I understand, that's business. You shot the bitch, that's okay, I've wanted to do that for some time now. You shot the Kraut; hell, everybody shoots the Kraut. But you shot my fraging car, that's against the rules!

Kraut:Don't these grenades arm when you take them out of your jacket?
Dodger: Yes...
[Kraut and Dodger stare at each other. Then at the live grenades in their hands. Then they go and ruin their wonderful plan to surprise the guards on the other side of the door, but manage to achieve much the same effect.

Dodger (to every security guard they came across): Look, either we could shoot this out--and you will die deader than drek. OR we can go back to the blimp for twinkies and porn, It's your choice.

Kraut: I don't fear death, but when it can be avoided by something as simple as closing the sun roof, I'll do it!
[Kraut, thanking his lucky stars for envirosealed vehicles when Vampires go to mist form]

Kraut: "Gang my ass!"
(In reference to a mysteriously well-armed gang attack)

GM: OK, CockSucker goes down... (In reference to a PC nicknamed cocksucker)

Dodger: Let's just monofilament whip his hand off and put it in the cooler!

Kraut: My negotiation skill has a barrel-mounted grenade launcher.

Dodger: I'm taking the inflatable woman with the cheerio-shaped mouth and lashing her to the front of the blimp as a masthead.

Kraut [ooc]: Was the Target Number one?

Kraut [ooc]: That's a fraging lot of ones.

Snowy: (healing Kraut) Fine, if he's down to deadly, that's just fine.

GM: Luckily, your friend saves you by shooting you in the head (yes, even though it put the character into overflow damage, it saved him)

Kraut: I walk down the hall [of the hospital] with the IV in one hand and the slivergun in the other, calling 'here, Bernie Bernie Bernie....' [Bernie: name of a Watcher Spirit]

Kraut: "Bitch!" [OOC]: "Is that a free action?"

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec) and Tink (Dwarf Rigger) are being paid to protect Mr Johnson's "nephew" from an unknown threat.

GM - "You are in the middle of a very bad neighborhood when the engine dies."
Whistler - "Way to go with the shortcut chummer!"
Tink - "Working on it!"
GM - "Nope it won't start and you see a mob of ghouls lumbering down the street calling out the name of your assignment."
Whistler - "Frag it I am popping him a new hoop right between the eyes and duping the body out as I run."
Tink - Joining him "Think we can outrun them?"
Whistler - "Don't have to outrun them, I just have to outrun you!" Kneecaps Tink.
Tink - "Bastich!"


Whistler

JoAnne to Krass, "Do you have the slightest notion on how to be polite? Do you have any idea what manners are?"

Krass, "I'm polite. I have manners Mary."

JoAnne, "Prove it."

Krass, "OK whenever I have to take a piss I always remember to take the dishes out of the sink first."

Ronilion, "Sounds polite to me."

Krass, "Whenever I fart, I always say, EXCUSE YOU! to the person next to me in the elevator."

OOC discussion about lifestyles and what they get on Denver MUSH...

Question says "Well...I have porn!"
Jackstand says "Yeah you do."
Jackstand says "It's included in your Lifestyle."
Slade says "You get porn with a squatter lifestyle? Why the heck do I keep getting low then?"

Party is infiltrating a research facility for the study of paranormal critters. After a short firefight, one of the guards falls into a tank containing a giant leech.

Street sam: Go on, see if he has any ID on him.

Rigger: IT'S EATING HIM!

I (the team's dwarf decker/techie) finally get to do some decking after quite a few sessions.

Me: Awright! I head to the node and prepare to wreak some havoc! What does it look like?

GM: Large castle. The gates are guarded by IC knights. *rolls dice* Oh, what programs do you have up?

Me: Drek!

GM: What?

Me:Knew I forgot something during character creation...

Some excellent dice rolls allowed me to successfully complete the run despite my lack of programs. Needless to say, first thing I did afterwards was call up my fixer...

Father Luddington FOR POPE!!! Father Luddington FOR POPE!!!!!

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec) on very first run with a way over cybered troll merc.

GM - "Ok so how are you getting there?"
Whistler - "I don't have a drive skill. . . . . how about twitchy here?"
GM - "Do you really want him driving?"
Whistler - "Ok I take the bus."
GM - "Let me get this straight. You are carrying four heavy pistols, two machine pistols, a pump shotgun, and grenades and you are going to get on a city bus?"
Whistler - "Using my intimidate to force the driver to take us to the plant."
GM - "You don't have an intimidate! You didn't take that skill!"
Whistler - Pointing at twitchy upon entering the bus, "He is feelin' the need for lovin' REAL bad can you take us to his girlfriends place?"

We got to the plant on time, and hired the bus driver as our permanent rigger. Actually I wouldn't say so much hired as he didn't want to be on the recieving end of twitchy's lovin' and we knew where he lived.

Whistler

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec), Bob the slightly twitchy over cybered troll, Tink the dwarf rigger, and Squirrel the ex-ganger medic.

Whistler - "Well I think he is dead."
Mr Johnson - "How can you be sure?"
Whistler - "I have most of him in the back, the dwarf hit him with the wagon after I shot him."
Squirrel - "Yeah but twitchy had already stunned him with those gloves of his before you shot him."
Whistler - "He was still up and running until I gimped the fragger."
Mr. Johnson - "I want to see the remains before I pay out!"
Tink opens the rear doors on the wagon displaying mostly goo, drek, and bones stored in several buckets and a large garbage bag.
Squirrel - "I think the spleen is still hung on the exhaust pipe."
Tink - "Yeah so it ain't like we are gonna get paid a heap for the spare parts on this one."
Mr. Johnson - "I can't make out his face, I am not paying for this."
Several of us start sorting through the buckets when Bob hands him the head he was keeping in his backpack. Mr Johnson looks at the head and back at Bob. - "I was gonna make a necklace outa it, but if you want it you can have it."
Tink - "Hey that was gonna be my hood ornament!"
Whistler - "Hey! Where did the cybereyes go?"
Squirrel pulls the eyes out of her pocket. "Wasn't like he was going to need them anymore!"

We got paid triple, and immediately became his number one squad for wet work.

Whistler

The Great Krass:

OOC: GM: "Hi Eon, the rest are still on vacation and I was doing some necessary work on the server but my Big Mac keeps getting in the way of my Hershey bar."

OOC: Eon, "Perhaps you might try some Chinese food that is heavy on the steamed veggies instead of all that fast food. All it does is speed you on the way to the grave."

OOC: GM: "The big problem with fast food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. It just parks there, and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship."

The Great Krass:

Krass to Drassel, "I see you're packing your bags. Are you going somewhere?"

Drassel without looking up, "Abu Dhabi."

Krass, "Where is that?"

Drassel, "Right after 'is'."

The Great Krass:

OOC: JoAnne, "Does the Padre ever make any money at his church or is he pretty much dependent on the corporation?"

OOC: Ronilion, "Nope Krass and Drassel set him up with a sure fire money maker. It goes like this."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

Father Luddington's HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

Father Luddington's HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:

Father Luddington's HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

Father Luddington.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,

"Please place 50 NuYen in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets 50 NuYen out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY Father Luddington.

OOC: JoAnne, "You guys are awful!"

The Great Krass:

Krass is again in court and is taking the oath, "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Drassel smiles at the look of consternation of the faces of the prosecution lawyers.

The Great Krass:\

Announcer news babe smiling, "Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Seattle's shelves this week with "Krass Soup," in honor of one of the cities' most distinguished man. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water."

Drassel to JoAnne, "I think your new business venture is doing well when you get free publicity on the news." JoAnne smiles.

In a gam I have been playing in recently, we had an interesting occurance.
Razorwire(phys adept), Boom Boom(wep spec), Vash(gunslinger adept), and ER(mystic adept) are at the scene of a recently almost finished run.

Boom Boom to group: Do I get to blow something up yet?
Razorwire(me): Ermmm.... Yes.
Boom Boom: What exactly?
Razowire: This building....
Vash: Umm.... what about us?
GM(NPC Ryan, fixer): Uh, guys, I have a van.
Vash: Oh, right...
Boom Boom: How much c4 should I use?
Razorwire: Umm... 15 kilos?
Vash: That's a fraggin' LOT! We are so going to die...
Boom Boom: YAY!
Boom Boom proceeds to set up to bomb and run to the car, three miles later...

Razorwire: Umm.... that was bigger than we thought.... wasn't it?
Vash:.... duh....
Boom Boom is off to the side dancing around like a maniac.

The scene: Razorwire(me)(phys adept) and Vash (gunslinger adept) are hiding in wait for their mark.

Razorwire: Okay, I'm going to go over there, behind those trashbins, you wait here for my signal, now don't frag this up!
Vash: Okay, got it, wait for the signal....
Razorwire: Your sure?
Vash:*nods*
Razorwire proceeds to successfully hide behind the trashbins, as soon as he does so, he hears very loud gunfire, standing abruptly, Vash is standing over the bullet riddled corpse of their mark. Mind you, he was supposed to be alive.
Razorwire: You fraggin' idiot! What did you do that for!?
Vash: Forgot the signal? *he shrugs*
Razorwire: He was supposed to be ALIVE you dolt!
Vash: Oops?

The Great Krass:

Luddington to Krass, "You should be nicer to police officers it would be difficult to be a police officer and put up with someone like you."

Ronilion, "On the contrary It would be very easy for Krass to work for Lone Star as a street cop because he has learned to be a dick-head all day long."

Krass, "I can be good at anything. The most important traffic rule is, What is the most important safety tip to remember when backing your car?"

Eon, "For you it's always wear a condom."

The Great Krass:

Rahvin, "Krass I hate dealing with you."

Krass laughs, "Hey calling me is like calling Ghostbusters."

Rahvin, "Only we sing, Who you gonna call....That Bastard!"

The Great Krass:

Eon is still hunting the elusive Krass through the facility. Throwing knives have continued to come at her from various locations but Krass so far has not been found. Several of the blades have come VERY close ripping part of Eon's business suit. She is very coldly angry. Krass echoing, "Hey Babe, what do you get when you put the cold mountains of Brokeback Mountain with Forest Gump?" A knife comes flashing but Eon snags it in midair and flings it back quickly. It thuds into a packing crate. Eon says nothing.

Krass, "Frosted Rump or Ferocious Dump!"

The Great Krass:

Eon is still hunting the elusive Krass through the facility. Throwing knives have continued to come at her from various locations but Krass so far has not been found. Several of the blades have come VERY close ripping part of Eon's business suit. She is very coldly angry. Krass echoing, "Hey Babe, what do you get when you put the cold mountains of Brokeback Mountain with Forest Gump?" A knife comes flashing but Eon snags it in midair and flings it back quickly. It thuds into a packing crate. Eon says nothing.

Krass, "Frosted Rump or Ferocious Dump!"

"1-800-Flowers : Still missing that special someone? We won't"

Advertisement for the Militant Flowers, a runner/assassin/special ops group.

1-800-Flowers: We invented pre-emptive condolences"

--Advertisement for the Militant Flowers, a runner/assassin/special ops group.

"1-800-Flowers: We never forget an important event."

--Advertisement for the Militant Flowers, a runner/assassin/special ops group.

Team of runners is enjoying a trek through the woods in Amazonia when they stumble upon a fireproof, mind-controlling tree. After a fairly unpleasant battle- though with no casualties- they decide to sit down for a rest and Grease (rigger) decides to ask Ice Phoenix (cyber mage, recently awakened) about it.

GREASE: So, what the heck was that?

ICE: (looking cross from eight boxes of stun) What do I look like, an expert in neogeopaeleonography?

(The rest of the team just stares at her.)

GM, to at least one of the players every single session during a bout of melee combat, and the customary response.

"You risk hitting Cliff's character."
"Yeah, I know."

Team is fighting a queen Ant spirit- a FREE queen ant spirit, no less, and is in way over their heads. Two of six of them are down and even the adepts can't seem to hurt her in melee, so they are understandably not very happy with things.

TENCHI: (As the queen drops the other adept in the party.) We're FRAAAAAGGED!!!

GM: Aren't you the one with Leadership specialized in Morale?

TENCHI:(OOC) Yeah, that's how you know it's true.

INDY:(OOC) How many doors are there, Zeke?

ZEKE:(GMing the run) One.

INDY:(OOC) Zeke: are you SURE?

ZEKE:(glancing down at the map) ...No, there's two,

The Great Krass:

Krass to Eon, "Hey Baby, wanna play lion? You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat."

JoAnne, "EEEWWW! That would be like the lion, lying down with the lamb."

Eon glares at Krass, "Krass, I'm not one of your tawdry sluts looking for a good time. I do however have this new whip I have been just dying to try out."

Krass runs. (Swish, CRACK! YEOW!)

The Great Krass:

GM: "Rev. Luddington of the First Church of God in Seattle, decided today that the church's new fund-raising campaign would involve sales of toilet paper, specifically the upscale brand Renova which recently introduced black toilet paper in France last fall (and is expected to introduce it in the U.C.A.S. soon). A Renova statement called the tissue "elegant, rebellious, alternative and internally fashionable."

OOC: Ronilion, "Fatman, you goofed. Not INTERNALLY, I think you meant to say ETERNALLY."

OOC: Luddington, "No, he didn't goof. he put it out just the way I wanted it. After all we may be dealing with more perverts than just Krass. Nothing sells like toilet paper when you're doing fund raising."

We had just finished killing off the kidnappers. I had the unconscious elven toddler under my arm with my long coat draped over him. I was walking out side with the rest of the team behind me when a ganger jumps out with an UZI III.

Ganger: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t flat line the brat?!
Me (Ork demolitions expert): Because I’m carrying 15kilos of C4.
Gm OoC: Jason, your characters wearing a pair of jeans and a tight fitting top.
Me OoC: Yeah, so?
Gm: Where is he keeping 15kilos of C4?
Me: I keep it in my long coat.
Gm: You’re sick.

The Great Krass:

Krass to GM, "I'm hacking into Eon's email. I want to see what she has."

GM: smiling, "Make a roll."

Krass rolls, "All successful. YES!"

GM: "You look in Eon's mail and see....NOTHING!"

Krass, "HUH!?"

OOC: Eon laughs, "I figured you would try that sooner or later."

Krass, "I see nothing that looks remotely like an email folder when I check the names?"

GM still smiling, "Nope."

Krass looks at Eon with some respect. "OK, what did you do?"

Eon "I have all my email in the folder called "Instruction Manuals, I knew man would EVER READ it."

Group laughs.

Krass ruefully, "Damn your good."

Eon, "You will NEVER know just HOW Good either."

Coda slides out of the van and quirks a brow. "It's not the size of the gun," he says as his eyes regard the Predator IIIs. "It's how many times you can shoot."

Voiata glances at Coda. "You must be American, then", he notes, dryly. "Accuracy is everything." He calmly assembles an assault rifle. "And penetration."

Coda glances at the shaman with a wry grin. He spins the Predator in his right hand around his finger, then catches it back in place. "Guess the child support sucks, huh?"

The Great Krass:

From the Shadowrun Proboards:

Pelch Gobwit, street dwarf, "Good thing I'm a pretty mellow guy. I haven't yet threatened to kill, maim or mutilate anyone yet. So far while trying to mind my own business or help someone out, for a little cash. I've been beaten, walked miles, threatened with a stun baton, and molested by a hooker with cyber nails probably full of poison. On the upside, I scored a poor boy sandwich and a Krass Cola. "

Character has called up mafia don contact in which he's a good business partner of his. Asks the dawn if he can get his two friends who were caught on camera beating up military personel while breaking through the Seattle border.
Don: "Lets talk to the "sons who dont know their fathers" right now"
Crunk(physad, martial artist who's vindictive): "Hello"
Don:" Who is this"
Crunk:"Who is this"
Don: "This is the F@9#k'n Don! Which one the two are you!"
Crunk:" I'm THE F@&#K'N Crunk! The others known as The Bitch!"
Note this was the other characters second time playing in his life and now has a beautiful new nickname in life and the game

Character after defeating spirit much to powerfull for them.
GM:" How the hell did you do that? Their aint no way you should of survived?"
Magician:" If it werent for my combat pool I wouldnt of been able to body out those drains."
GM puts his head in hands.

Why lord?

Character trying to sneak into airport loading and unloading area as worker. Char. states they are caring twelve knives on their person. When confronted by security when trying to pass through check point why she had 7 knives the only execuse is "I might need to cut wires or hoses and one might break"
Why lord?

The runners has done their run (in the typical blood and gory fashion of Shadowrunners everywhere) and are on their way to get patched up. Edge (phys ad, focusing on sharp objects), Pax (Street Sam), Edward (Phys ad focusing on guns) and Clubber (Huge troll Street Sam) share a blame shifting moment.

Edward while putting another bandage on Clubber; "Edge, i'm not quite sure you understood that this was supposed to be a stealthy run. No big bangs." The other murmur agreement while using assorted slap-patches on cuts, bruises and burns. Edge, that seem totally unharmed apart from some singed hair; "But it WAS silent! No bangs. I didn't even carry a gun unlike the rest of you rabid dogs."
Pax glares and snarls; Yeah, but a FLAMETROWER on a run on a Union Oil R&D-station?!
Kroiden

Seen in the Want Ads in New Orleans.

"Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and don't know where to find them, or the cargo they were paid to liberate. Reward for information leading to return of sheep. Dead or Alive."

Whistler - Elf Weapon Spec

from the Proboards:

"I'll kill the lying fragger." Stated Widow hissing in rage. Davik looked at her carefully and cautiously.

"We can't kill him. The contract won't let us. By now Pelch should have been able to locate his place. Let's use the tracking device and pay the idiot a visit."

Widow glared at Davik and he wondered if the hunter was considering tossing him into the dumpster. "Which idot would that be?" She asked steaming.

"Poacher. The other idiot is at least OUR idiot." Davik said quietly.

She nodded as she moved towards her bike. "Very well, but if OUR IDIOT says one cheesy, stupid, infuriating comment, I'm going to pound him so far into the ground you'll have to use an excavator to get him out."

The Great Krass:

On Super Combat Biking, Sunday, Knight Errant deputies found a Humvee with its windows blown out, its doors bulging outward and the roof bent upward about a foot. The license plate led to Devlin Krass, Mayor of Seattle, who admitted that he had been on his way to a combat biking celebration party with some hookers and a balloon filled with acetylene, which he planned to explode in celebration. However, the balloon ignited, perhaps by static electricity from the back seat, and Krass and his female companions suffered shrapnel wounds."

Eon, "That has to be the biggest blow job Krass ever had."

Widow looked at Pelch, "Why do you keep stealing stuff you obviously can't use and you don't have clue what it even is? I dread the day you pick up a ticking bomb and carry it around and hand it to us one second before it goes off with the words, 'How does this thing work?' So far we have gone through several ideas for street names with you but none of them are really stupid enough to stick to you are they?"

Pelch smiled, "Nope, I'm a force of nature. It's hard to define me. You know I was planning to sell that. Electronic drek sells pretty well if you know where to take it."

The Great Krass:

[color=Orange]NPC to Doc. Patterson, "I'm the best surgeon in Seattle. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

Second NPC said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

Patterson, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's Mayor of Seattle!" [/color]

Xenomarch, "Krondax next time you seek to commit suicide, you continue to rag on My Gully Dwarf family. I will toss a Fireball so far up your hoop that you will finally be able to see whats on your mind!"

Pelch Gobwit in a high squeaky feminine voice, which is hard for such a manly dwarf, "MY HERO! Um Xeno, elf biffs don't have a mind but you will be lighting up a darkness as vast as space, the final frontier, to boldly go where every drekking troll has been before in spirit and in truth."

The party filed out into the bar and Pelch saw Quicksilver and Mao over by the bar. He wandered over and stuck his hand out to Quicksilver. "Hi, I'm Jackass, Son of a Belch. I see you've met Mao. Mao is an adept you know. We haven't found out for sure what he's adept at yet, but I think it has something to do with being a Ranger! Do you eat tube steak? Play the skin flute? Ride the Wild Pony? Mao was telling us that he really wanted to meet you and that he really LIKED you in a CERTAIN kind of way. Did Mao mention that he was a fan of Brokeback mountain and Deliverance? He said something about how he liked a nice round ass and ...." Widow had enough. She was standing directly behind the dwarf, so he had no warning at all. Taking out her tonfa she wound up with practiced ease and slammed the club down on the dwarfs head as hard as she could! {THUD!}

"Ouch!" Pelch yelled clutching his head in pain and jumping up and down. "Franbolzie, Fragging Fripple Miffle Conglarntatulation, slotting grubblefranizickly"

Widow looked at her nicely polished club that had now a small dent in it. "I should have known not to hit the little fragger in the head, still it was satisfying." She stated to Mao, putting the club away. "Hi, my name is Black Widow and I want to graciously welcome you to the group. The quiet and respectable dwarf is our leader Davik and that odious loathsome worm is Pelch Gobwit our resident village idiot."

The Great Krass:

OOC: JoAnne, "OK guys, you seem to be able to turn anthing into a joke. Try this Make a joke about Pizza in a Trash Can!"

OOC: Drassel, "All it is, is Crust in the Bin."

OOC: Krass, "If you can't fix a broken pizza with tomato paste you might just as well throw it away and get a new one."

OOC: Fatman, "If I label my trashcan as "IN" and place it on my desk will they put pizza in it?"

OOC: Eon, "EEEEEEWWWW! Fatman a new low."

OOC: Fatman, "If Gobwit can do it so can I. I fear no pizza."

The Great Krass:

From the St Patrick's Game: Not all the Snakes are in Ireland!

Eon, "Where's Krass? I need to set up a meeting with him and Dom to discuss the Nestle's Run ."

JoAnne, "In jail again. Krass was arrested Friday afternoon for urinating in the gas tank of a marked Lone Star police City Master during the city's rollicking St. Patrick's Day celebration."

Eon looks stunned, "Every year it's some new perversion, Are you sure?"

JoAnne, "I have it right here, there were witnesses and they confirm that Krass tried to top off the tank of a marked cruiser. Krass claimed he was tryng to see if it would work as a gas additive. According to the incident report Drassel was looking at, officers in a second vehicle spotted Krass with his arms around two hookers pressed against the patrol car, they called him over to their car. He responded by running away, while "simultaneously placing his penis back in his pants." Krass was quickly apprehended and eventually charged with public indecency, criminal trespass, and interference with corporation property, all misdemeanors. Amazingly, he was not hit with any booze-related counts, though you have to figure Krass was a bit toasted when he approached that gaping gas cap."

Eon disgusted, "I'm surprised they didn't get him for sexual assualt as well."

JoAnne, "They tried but Drassel defused that already. Lone Star couldn't PROVE the City Master was an UNWILLING participant. By the way, his popularity rating jumped ten pints when the word hit the newscasters."

The Great Krass:

From the St Patrick's Game: Not all the Snakes are in Ireland!

GM: Mad NPC Husband Levels Spas 12 auto-shotgun on Krass, "You Bastahd! You slept with my wife and molested my daughter, drank my booze, and ran up all my bills. You lost me my job and took everything for back taxes. Your dead Meat!"

Drassel, standing between Krass and the angry man. "You will have to shoot through me first ."

Krass, surprised, "You'd take a bullet for me? What loyalty."

Drassel to Krass "No, I just said that because it sounded good. I hope your wearing your Kevlar today. " He steps to the side out of the line of fire. "Fire away my good man."

Pelch of course can't read or write so assigning him any of this paperwork is stupid. We are all going to have to work around the fact that his illiteracy and technological stupidity are going to make him someone we all have to keep an eye on."

"Not to mention the fact that he steals everything that isn't nailed down, and if he can pry it loose with a crowbar and dynamite it isn't nailed down." Widow stated in disgust. "Do you know that little slotter stole Dom's gold pen?"

Mao set the plate and ersatz real pineapple juice in a small juice glass on a tray on the bed. "I'm your new partner." He stated while adjusting his hat. Pelch looked liked he'd eaten five day old dead dire rat guts, uncooked.

"Fragging JOY to the World! What's with you and the hat? First it's Widow making love to those stupid tonfa's and now it's you playing with your stupid hat. Get this DREK-FOR-BRAINS, I'm a DWARF, I EAT and DRINK a LOT! I'm am not a fragging daisy eating slitch who thinks a tonfa equals good sex. Get my drift? Now why not bring me a real MAN's plate of food and a HUGE BEER. I'm fragging HUNGRY and thirsty. Then maybe I can find it in my heart to see the good side of getting an idiot like you for a PARTNER! I don't need an idiot TALL-ONE for a partner. I'm Pelch Gobwit, the son of THE Gobwit, the Gobwit of Gobwit. Yes that very GOBWIT. Sure I've fallen on hardtimes but it doesn't mean I'm going to let some drekhead like you slot me around on my breakfast!"

The Great Krass:

Krondax, ".............. then again, Xan could probably get info out of Deviln by sleepin with him....hrm...."

Eon, "That's nothing surprising, Krondax, Pelch, Davik, Johnson, could all probably get information out of Krass by sleeping with him.....hrm....?"

Pelch looks at Mao with his gun in his hand. "Put that away before you squirt junior, Widow ain't interested today, she has either a Tonfa or Bob.."

Mao looked at Pelch, "Bob? Who's Bob?"

Pelch smiles, "Bob, Battery Operated Boyfriend." He laughs.

The Great Krass:

Pelch looked at Mao as he set the beer down, "Talking about Drek, you seem to be doing the Tidy Bowl Facial Scrub. It's nice that you like to keep your hands busy playing with your hat, but aren't you and your buddies supposed to be earning the money Dom is paying you? Oh… by the way… Krass porked your sister, last night. I thought you’d just like to know. Now go buy an astral hand-grenade and shut up while I try to get some real work done on this run.”

The PCs are on an ocean-going freighter ship. One of them discovers that rats have been eating their food:

Player 1: *On commlink* Uh, guys, we have a vermin problem...
Player 2: *OOC* Motherfraggin' rats on a boat!

After which all players and the GM are paralyzed with laughter...

On a datasnatch, Felix (Face), Quiet Mountain (Troll, Street sam) and Darkfire (Decker) infiltrate an upscale apartment complex, posing as HVAC techs. They enter the Elven mafia princesses apartment. To distract her while QM and Darkfire hack the computer, Felix seduces and pushes her into the bathroom then says...

"You guys fix the vents, I'll handle the plumbing"

(two extra karma points awarded to Felix for saying this with a straight face)

The Great Krass:

Why it's not wise to mess with a corp Johnson:

Johnson: "Choice implies that you have some control over the situation. You don't have that. You came here so that I could make it very clear to you that we own your hoop. If we tell you to go peddle it on the street for 10 NuYen a shot you do it or you start taking a long vacation in a 24 by 7 dirt-nap hotel."

He smiled at her cruelly, "You see, you made a lot of mistakes. I'm your BOSS! You're not a customer I have to impress. You are my flunky, toady, or in street lingo my BIATCH! You sitting down and taking my smokes? Stupid. I'll be deducting the cigars and cost of the desk from what you earn. If you don't earn the money I'll have the pleasure of making sure that for the rest of your SHORT life you will DEEPLY regret it." He pressed a buzzer and the ork guard returned. He smiled and motioned Widow out.

The Great Krass:

'Wheels the Rigger' dealing with the Spiked Wheels.

Wheels, voice came out over the speakers as he cut in the turbo! "You should have left Pelch those burgers. He could have enjoyed a last meal before we all get turned into hamburger, probably well done. The answer is NO! the fragging car is NOT armored! The problem is that it's not fragging cannon proof either and those hoop heads are known to carry major bang-bang! What the frag are they doing this far south?"

The Great Krass:

Drek! as Pelch I'm in the trunk! I can't see a thing! The first warning I'm going to get will probably be a Panther shell in the trunk and I'm carrying BOOZE! My luck is still fragged up! I don't even have a hamburger, the witch took them.

The Great Krass:

Mao got out of the front and smiled and tipped his hat brim politely. "Need help with your bag miss?" He grabbed the struggling Pelch as well and helped Widow chuck him into the boot! He slammed the door quickly down.

"I've always wanted a Trunk Monkey." Stated Wheels with a grimace, "but now I have to clean the trunk and the car interior. The drek just never lets up does it?" He looks a Quicksilver, "I'll get you for this."

Quicksilver shrugged, "Just drive will you? It's been a long fragging day and we're all tired and need a rest."

Reference:

http://www.trunkmonkeyad.com/"

The Great Krass:

"Exactly what we are doing. You need to get the comm codes and Security codes changed soonest and you need to tell me where the frag Pelch is hiding."

The codes will take some time, but your missing buddy is moving around a lot. I guess he don't want people to have a stationary target. His signal has been all over the place in the last 48 hours."

"Sounds like Pelch. For not knowing a thing about driving or tech he walks around this city like crazy. That little fragger has to go through shoe leather like a kid through a snow-cone on a hot day. Where is he NOW?"

Wheels looked disgusted, "Would you believe he is currently UNDER an overpass on I5 at, get this, Airport WAY! We drove by the fragger twice today!"

Quicksilver almost smiled, "I'll grab Mao and go get him. That's our Pelch exasperating to the very last drop. At least he ain't far away at this time of night.

GM to whitey after reading Grimm's (My Troll street sammy with an inteligence of 1) PDA: "Roll willpower"

Whitey : "8, 9, 10, and 23"

GM" You go insane:"

Whitey "What!?"

GM "It turns out that Grimm manged to some how rewrite the entire Necronomicon Ex Mortis (The book of Cthulhu) through all his random button mashing."

Whitey : Long pause with blank look on his face. "What:!?"

GM, Snickering finally "Just kidding"

--krondax

Whitey : Ok, im casting a spell"

GM: Which one?

Pause

Whitey : "Oh Drek"

GM Blinks a few times then looks up. "I dont think that that is a spell. whats it do?"

-krondax

Grimm ooc: "Well, the ranger X will give me 10 + 4m damage The Ruger will only give me 10M"

GM: Ok, roll bow skill.

Grimm: Checks over char sheet. blinks a few times, checks again. "Im drawing my gun...."

Whitey, with raised eyebrow ooc : "you dont have a bow skill, do you?"


--krondax

(While trying to negotiate for a bigger prop from a different motor to put onto the 200 horse outboard on our boat. The owner of the shop is a decendant of John Kerry, 2004 presidential Candidate.)

Breanna (Elf street meat with 10 charisma): "I'll show you my titties if you will let us swap the prop.."

Whitey *(ooc): "This is Kerry!, not clinton!"

-krondax

...ya mess wi' da 'cane, ya gonna feel 'da pain homme

-Hurricane Hannah: Cajun Ex Boxer Adept

GM to Terry (male, playing female elf) during Character creation "Do you want the Venetian or Starlight dress...... (short pause) and why am I asking a guy this!?"

Terry, with straight face : "Does that come with the pretty pink lace?"

Whitey (Ork Mage) ooc: "How fast is the boat?"

GM ooc: "Well, its an outboard [on a 30 footer] you can probabloy fart faster"

Whitey ooc: "What?!"

GM: Seriously, you could fart and move the boat faster than the motor!"


--Krondax

The Great Krass:

Wheels looked at Quicksilver in some shock, "You sure stepped in the Drek on this one, tall one. You got a guy with Intel background and a biff with sec background and you're fragging boss assigns you to do rigger work and then brings in the rigger to do his SEC work? The adept screws everyone, right?" Quicksilver nods with that slight smile. "Then you got some thieving dwarf but you keep him because he knows Seattle? What the frag kind of LOONY TUNES CARTOON have you brought me into?"

"Now you know why I was smiling. Welcome to the Shadow's, chummer, where it just keeps getting crazier every day." Wheel's started the car towards the Ace Tomato Company on Z street.

Kane, Mack(cybered orc), Venom(Cobra shaman) and Kalcalash(idiot) fight their way through a troll pirate infested lighthouse. Covered in blood and bodyparts Kane opens the elevator door to s terrified lighthouse keeper in his sixties.
L/house keeper; "Who.....Who are you?"
Kane; "Seattle lighthouse trade union representantive, we look after our own brother."

After getting probed prodded, sampled, beaten shot and burned rescuing a baby from a secret lab, Kane(vampire ghoul) finally meets back up with his team tired as hell. The baby is dual natured and a bit on the silent side, until they reach the get away boat.
Joker: "What's happening to the kid?"
The child wriggles, writhes and eventually levitates out of Kane's grasp before exploding into a full grown greater dragon. Flying off into the sunset.
Jim; "You don't see that everyday."
Joker;"You okay Kane?"
"Yeah." Wiping a tear from his eye. "They just grow up so fast."
SlapTback

The Great Krass:

Mao looked at Quicksilver as he entered and spotted Wheels. "OH NO! Not another dwarf! One hoop hole leaves us high and dry and another walks in the door."

Quicksilver looks at Mao, "Did they kill Pelch?"

"Pelch? Pelch has nothing to do with this. About three hours ago, Davik hands me the keys, the codes, the gadgets and walks out of here like Lou Ferrigno was about to do the incredible hoop wipe on him. Anyway, I gave all the stuff to Widow and then she walks out with all the stuff with no fragging word and I can't even contact her! I didn't have any way to contact you so I have been sitting here like an idiot waiting for someone to show up and tell me what the frag is happening! Where the heck have you been? The run is all in the sewer!" Mao looked like he was ready to walk himself.

Wheels looked at Quicksilver, "The moron that does things his own way?" Quicksilver nodded. Wheels looked at Mao then back at Quicksilver, "I'll get you for this."

"Shut up." Stated Quicksilver dryly to Wheels.

After a particulat messy run, the team bring back the proof of the marks death. The johnson is sitting in the company of spirit protection, looking in horror at the severed head dumped on his desk.
Johnson; "Get out of here."
Joker; "What about our money."
Johnson; "There's no time."
Kane pulls his only weapon at the Johnson, who laughs. "The spirits will kill you you dirty fragging ghoul."
Kane; "I can kill you before they they kill me."
Kane OOC. "I sure hope he doesn't notice this is a taser."
SlapTback.

The Great Krass:

As Freddy started to walk away he was suddenly surprised when a man fell in by his left side. "If you're looking for Dom, chummer, you are going about it all erroneous. You see, not only have the physical appliances changed but some remote existential clues you don't see. We have made stipend for that though. Get 'modish' with the program, Bernard, you tracking me?" He looked at Freddy with a smile.

"Get 'modish'?" asked Freddy confused. What the frag was this guy talking? City Speak?

"Sure. You know hip, with it, in the slot, the groove, the program. JJ is handling the local biz right now while the 'Key Solution Mojo' is making with the corporate appearance handling the ebb and flow of the esoterica NuYen civility." He stated comfortably, "JJ says you are a just and righteous guy and so I can give you the intro on the side."

Freddy looked at the thin young man with purple hair and long coat. "Let me see if I understand you. You say Dom is busy and JJ is handling his business and you can take me to her so that I can talk?"

"Now you're tracking, priyatel. If you're vertically to the exploit just pursue my track, Jack."

Upon the arrival of a massive amount of enemy backup during a shootout:

Arius: "Oh my god, we're going to fragging DIE!" [this quote was uttered at least once every game session]
painiac: "No, no. I've got them right where I want them: surrounded from the INSIDE!"

Dr Richard: "Well, I'm not really sure on the facts of your condition because I'm making this all up..."

(CitiMaster crashes through the door)
Kraut (OOC): "I use my free action to piss my pants!"

Jim, a magical adept who wants to initiate is pulled up for having no magical background knowledge.
GM "So you know how to cast spells, but have no idea what you're doing, what it involves or even tht it's magic? How the hell did you get sorcery six?"
Jim "You just pick these things up on the streets."
GM "Sorcery six?"
Jim "Yeah, you talk to a few guys in a few bars and you just sort of pick it up."
Group laughs. Jim is another play character with almost no background and a lame excuse why he's drek hot at everything.

"Its Nummer Chummer"
-Lacolith saying the Cap'n Beef jingle

painiac (OOC): "In hindsight, I really dicked myself with this character history."
GM: "Yeah, but everyone gets screwed anyway."

Player: What's he doing here?! I pistol-whip him!
GM: He's your CONTACT!

painiac (OOC): "Why are there pubes in the dice box?!"

Callista: "Fear seems to be the prevailing emotion in the room right now."
Giovanni: "Death's gonna be his prevailing emotion if he doesn't talk."

painiac (OOC): While Giovanni is off in astral space, I put my dick in his mouth and take a picture.

Mike (GM): "I'm trying to get this into you...I MEAN GET YOU INTO THIS!" (honest Freudian slip)

painiac: "I would gladly go back to working for them if they weren't trying to kill me."

The Great Krass:

Freddy looked at Pelch who was taking a lot of food out and placing it on the table. "So you're Pelch, what kind of job are you supposed to be doing here?"

"Mainly, I'm looking out for Number 1" Pelch stated around a very large sandwich, "Can you turn things into gold?"

"Not yet, they kind of frown on that in the magic unions." Freddy stated back quietly.

Greg "Team blood bath? Nah. I prefer team bumble wasp. We buzz around until we find something to stab to death then buzz away again."
SlapTback

Gm: "So let me get this right you are are going to all out assault the saeder krupp headquarter, I'll call this plan suicide."
Mike: "We're playing to our strengths, no matter what we do team blood bath will turn it into a war zone. I prefer to call it plan realistic expectations."

The Great Krass:

ony made another flourish and a martini appeared in his hand. He took a sip as well. "So tell me Wild Man, what do you hope to accomplish today?"

Mao again adjusted his hat and took another drink. He feared no booze. "Well I thought I would pry you lose from the Holloweeners and that like all master villains you would tell me the plan in detail so I can foil your nefarious schemes at the last minute, get the girl, have a sexual romp and then move on to the next movie."

Team bumble wasp planning a hit on the saeder Krupp headquarters where the greater dragon Lofwyr is exclusively staying after acquiring an artefact the team is hired to steal.
Joker OOC: "Why do you want everyone in the containment area?"
Kaine OOC: "Well Lof will definitely turn up, we caould hopefully make a show of strength and get him to negotiate."
Joker OOC: "Okay, I'll get my negotiating bullets."

SlapTback

Kaine is meeting an incredibly well dressed elf in the slums of Germany, Kaine dressed in winterized coveralls, a ski mask and polarized goggles (just in case his sustained alleviate allergy focus fails) are spotted by some German gangers.
"Nice coat." The ork pulls a knife.
"What's going on?" Kaine asks, not speaking German.
"I'm being mugged." He eyes the ork with knife, who could rip apart a body three elf.
Kaine, IC. "Oh" OOC, I'll essence up my body, quickness and strength make my quickdraw test and shoot the slitch."
Initiative rolls follow, Kaine with a mighty 31, death of ork follows and the rest of the gangers scatter.
Kaine, phoning Ethan the ghoul. "you hungry? Good."
Slaptback

Ethan (ghoul twisted adept) and Kaine (Vampire ghoul) are meeting a contact in the bar, being dual natured and astrally active all the time see the astral signatrure of a very large shapeshifter.
Kaine: "Ethan." Nudges him.
Ethan: "Eh"
Kaine: "Check that out." Pointing to the Gorilla shapeshifter scanning faces.
The G.M explains he sees his contact (Kaine), a short guy who dresses a bit like a gimp and approaches the two ghouls.
Kaine, as the shapeshifter approaches. "Well you're just a big Gorilla ain't cha?"
Gorilla. "Shhhh, secret."

in an out of the way dive bar somewhere in Seattle, at the end of a run earlier tonight. things hadnt gone so well, and Johnson screwed us pretty hard.

Meat Substitute - I just learned this magic trick. See, I put this leg (pats right leg), on that side of your head (pats Johnson's left shoulder), and I dont touch you...
Johnson - you're a mercenary, you cant do magic...
Meat Substitute kicks him square in the head. "Gosh, you're right. Im never working for your sorry ass again Mr J."

"I fire a law at him" is not a valid respose to a dragons question "what are you doing in my lair"

Carnage.

The Great Krass:

Fatman, "Krass you are leaving after the debate. As you approach a stoplight you see a Lone Star trooper on a Horse."

Krass, pulling up alongside, rolls down the window, "I need to talk to God."

Trooper, "Huh? You mean you want directions to a church?"

Krass, "No, I want to talk to God and ask him why he put the dick on TOP of the Horse."

Trooper hands Krass a 200 NuYen Ticket.

The fact that we barely had enough dice to play Yatzee, let alone Shadowrun, probably played less of a factor in the evening’s shaky start than my personal realization that I could not recall the proper name of a single light pistol.

Carnage.

That's fragging IT! I'm rearranging his internal organs!

- Roadblock the Troll Street Samurai looses his patience...again.

bosch (giant adept with regenerate) Kaine, just getr hit with 18D damage. Knowing they were being sneaked up on.
Kaine, sprawled on the floor. "Can i make a fragging perception test now?!" as the shot is still echoing around the room

Mission is to recover the plans for a prototype grenade that when detonated rappidly uncoils 2,000 meters of monofilliment wire, thus turning a 15 meter diameter area into a monofillament spaghrtti wad of death.

GM "The Johnson hands over the new prototype grenade for you to inspect"
Dorkus (ork street sam ) I pull the pin and give it back

GM . . . . . . . . . .(GM suffers from repeated self induced cuncussions)

The Great Krass:

OOC: Drassel to Krass, "I was gypped. I put a dollar bill into a machine that said "Change," but I don't feel any different yet."

*** Eon Joins: Retrosexuals: "What have I missed? It sure is good to be back."

OOC: Krass, "BABE, fair maid and sex slave, t'is the biding moment of greetings. Pray thee push thou my turn-on button, or a crone with a wart on her nose will cast a spell on your Ultra Slim Fast."

OOC: Eon, "Wait I have to get my gun recalibrated."

The Great Krass:

Well I'll be fragged if I let a WOMAN tell me I ain't got the guts to stick with my decisions!" Pelch glared at Wheels, Mao, Quick and Freddy, "I for one am more than willing to put my foot where my mouth is. How long have I been living on the street? My life expectancy is for drek anyway unless I can make a big score. Looking at you bunch I don't have any qualms about you all taking a subterranean vacation permanently if I can make a killing in the process. I don't see much in any of you that makes me worry about you taking a lead pill with complications of the heart if I can get rich off it! I'm FOR the plan and unless ONE of you BIG DOMES wants to step forward and OWN this fragging plan then I'll fragging lead you all and spend your lives like fragging URINE to make myself rich! Now you all got that? So if you want to avoid me telling your hoops where to go and what to do in DETAIL, and expecting it to be done the way I FRAGGING want then you better jump in and show me what your made of!"

Widow smiled with that predatory smile, "Now that's the leader for this plan. The worlds DUMBEST, UNEDUCATED BOOB. I suggest you all take him up on that offer."

The Great Krass:

As for the Dino, it went something like this....OK OK stop screaming Johnson, I know, you don't want to know.

Anyway, the answer the Runner asked back was; "You're kidding!" The reply was;"Nope, riotous stuff."

You see it started out when I met these two slightly underage sim-sense stars and this hot looking blue -eyed biff with a rich background, sort of like what Paris Hilton is now, but better stacked. We were in this studio with this Giant Go-Motion Dinosaur when....Johnson will you please stop screaming? I'm trying to tell a story here....."

*** Krass was kicked by Fatman!

lugus: "I don't think someone is ment to survive this run."

Demetra: "GEZZZ!! Stake me now, why don't you?"

I cried I laughed so hard. (I was the GM)


D

In a Demo Game of Shadowrun 4th Ed at a Convention:

Other Player: "Aw man... I'm a TROLL! Over three metres tall! How am I going to fit in?"

GM: "Dude. You're a Troll! Just like the four other Trolls on the corner!"

Me: "Yep, smoking a Doobie the size of an Elf's forearm."

Twitch: "The Super-Plat contract is the best. I mean... they'll come grab you wherever you are, and it's four free resussecations per year!"

Grrar: "If you're getting geeked four times a year, you're in the wrong business, chummer."

The group is hunting down a terrorist leader, and have raided the base with the help of another NPC runner team. After losing nearly all the NPCs the group finally neutralizes all opposition and enters the control room.

Fox (the shaman): "Hey, what's this?" He points to a screen that shows a darkened room lit only by momentary red flashes. A "radioactive" warning symbol is barely visible in the image.
NPC: "Err... guys? I don't mean to worry you, but it seems that there may be a nuclear bomb under us. And I think it's active."
Fox: "What? A BOMB? A NUCLEAR BOMB?" The player grabs a handful of dice and proceeds to roll them.
GM: "What are you rolling?"
Fox OOC: "Wisdom."
GM: "Why? To resist panicking?"
Fox OOC: "I'm trying to will a helicoptor into existance outside."
GM: "Well, you're entirely convinced that there is a helicoptor outside."
Fox: "Oh, we're safe, guys! Look at that screen, there's a chopper waiting for us!" He points to another monitor that shows an image of an empty helipad. The rest of the party starts running for another door to an underground passage. "Where are you going, guys? The helipad is the other way!"

The team is hired to guard a corp executive who doesn't want protection, so they're supposed to shadow him.

Twitch (me): "I'm going to keep a lookout for our guy outside." He goes outside the building and has a smoke.
GM: It's below freezing, and there's a blizzard. But since you have a cigarette, everyone just accepts it.

The Great Krass:

Pelch glared and then extended his middle digit at Mao's back and muttered under his breath, "Go take a flying BLEEP at a rolling donut!"

"Umm... I'm the new employee?"
- Troll, barely fitting inside blood-soaked maintenance uniform, holding Ares Monosword while standing above three dead maintenance workers, to security guard asking who he is and what the frag he is doing here.

"And in other news, the manager of a BigSoy Burger was killed in a tragic hit-and-run accident earlier tonight..."

Official news report after a runner team captured the racist manager (for refusing to serve the Ork), cast petrify on him, and tossed him off of an overpass.

GM: *rolls body for a rather fraile NPC* "He collapses instantly from your blow. His head is cocked to the side and an awkward angle and he's bleeding from the ears rather steadily."
Troll: "What? I was trying to knock him out!"
GM: "A strength-12 troll with titanium bone lacing trying to subdue a body-2 elf by punching straight down on his head... is STILL A STRENGTH-12 TROLL WITH TITANIUM BONE LACING HITTING A BODY-2 ELF ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD."

The team is hanging out in a cheap flat they rented for a mission in Vladivostok...

Elven sniper: "Hey DWARF! I'm parched over here, get me a beer."
Twitch (dwarven merc): "Get it your fragging self, I'm busy."
Elf: "Aren't you dwarves supposed to be jolly, and happy to give out beer, or something?"
Twitch grumbles and goes into the kitchen to get a beer. He pops the top and digs into a drawer, and grinds up a couple of sleeping pills into the drink. Dials up the street doc they'd visited a couple nights previous and inquires (in Russian), "Are you available for surgery tonight? In about one or two hours." He hands the bottle to the elf, then proceeds into his own room to pop open a case with a cortex bomb inside. "No, I've got what I need installed right here..."

Twitch hits the button on the remote detonator, and a blast fills the night sky...
GM: "How many kilograms and of what type are in your demo kit?"
Twitch OOC: "Uh, 50 of commercial, 30 of C4, 20 of C12. I like to be prepared."
GM: "And you used 3kg of the C4 in that demo charge?"
Twitch OOC: "Yes."
GM: "Everybody, roll body." Players roll and most make off with only light or moderate physical damage. "You see a massive explosion tear into the LoneStar cruisers as the remainder of the demo kit goes off in a sympathetic explosion."
Twitch: "That showed 'em. Good thing Mr. Johnson said he'd cover expenses."

In the infamous Stuffer Shack, a 12-year-old kid with his 9-year-old brother is knocking over the store with a hold-out pistol. One of the team (a mentally deranged ork with the "flashbacks" flaw) is inside with a light machine gun barely concealed under an armful of blanket while the elven weapons specialist waits in the car.
Kid: "Give me all the money!"
The Ork springs into action and uncovers the machine gun, and levels it at the kid. "DROP THE GUN!"
The kid turns and blinks in surprise. After waiting all of one second, the ork opens fire, hosing both kids, the clerk, and a terrified customer with ammunition. All drop to the floor, seriously or fatally wounded.
Meanwhile the elf hears gunshots and reaches into the back to pull out his Ares Alpha. He spies through the front window a young woman pull a pistol out of her handbag, and fires a full-auto spread at her, killing yet another innocent bystander. Inside the store, the Ork (fully in the thrall of the flashback) turns to the source of the new gunshots and fires blindly. After a couple combat rounds the elf is laying on the ground bleeding out, and the new character (a shaman, it was to be his introductory RP) walks past.
Shaman: "Loot loot!" He picks up the assault rifle from the unconscious elf and continues walking down the street.

He later met and joined the party while he was selling the rifle to the party's favorite fixer.

The Great Krass:

"Seattle is threatening to unleash a new missile on the NAN today. Mayor Krass in an exclusive interview with 'KONG' calls it the 'Dalongdong' and swears he can get this one up successfully. It's an apparent attempt to make up for the miserable failure of Krass's earlier launch of an ancient Taepodong missile as a test earlier last week. The name 'Dalongdong' comes from a mythical one-eyed giant snake in Korean folklore."

Pelch grumbled to himself, "That should piss the NAN off real well. Wonder how they're going to take it. I bet they're trying to get Schultz to do something." The announcement continued.

"NAN officials said recent intelligence coming out of Seattle makes mention of 'Dalongdong' but they have only been able to guess at its capabilities. "Whatever it is we know Krass is pretty damn proud of it because they're keeping it concealed under some sort of rubber protective coating that our spy satellites have been unable to pierce", said a unidentified NAN official. "It may just be a revised version of the Taepodong III which we know has a history of premature launch problems', the source said. Most missiles have a countdown of at least ten before launch but they say the Taepodong has a history of firing off early, usually by the count of four or five."

Pelch grinned, "That's Krass, always screwing around and always premature."

Players are in the middle of being attacked by a cyberzombie, and one finds a crate full of grenades stashed in the house they're taking cover inside of.

Sniper: "With a quickness of nine, how many grenades can I loot per turn?"

And proceeds to fill her pockets with grenades while the rest of the party swaps lead with the zombie.

Player1 OOC: Wow... we really went through those gangers. They didn't even shoot at us before we killed them all.
Player2 OOC: Yeah... here I thought they'd put up a fight.
GM: You hear tires screeching behind you. A black panel van with the Renraku logo on the side streaks through the corner and heads directly towards you.
Player1 OOC: What's Renraku?

Needless to say, they learned quickly.

The Great Krass:

Pelch smiled as he walked away from the fuming Mao and over to BB. "So you're the new decker. Well the Spider Lady says you are supposed to teach me how to use this here data jack."

BB looked at the data-jack in Pelch's head closely, "Kind of old but still usable. Do you have a deck?"

Pelch looked wary, "I don't even have a house. I've built a few decks for money though. Just to make some cash on the side for food. I can't understand what that has to do with this here jack though. I didn't need jack to build decks. Just a hammer, saw, nails screws and a drill with bits and screw attachments and of course building materials, sometimes I even got to work with real wood."

The Great Krass:

Mao spoke up sarcastically as he continued to try to clean up the mess, "Because Pelch is a shining jewel of colossal ignorance. This moron doesn't have an education let alone manners or insight. He can't read or write. This half pint idiot is a walking example that having the ability to talk is not a sign that he is has intelligence. I doubt he even knows what a deck is and no he has never had one. So before you start training him to even use a deck you are going to have to put his dead hoop in KINDERGARTEN and try to train the untrainable."

Dear Krass And Crew:

Is there any way to contact you folks aside from the QuoteFile?

Thanks.

CanRay.

Phone Conversation

Twitch: Hey, Angel!
GM(Angel, Mafia Lieutenant): Hey Twitch, how's it going?
Twitch: Well, I was just wondering if there's any chance that my friends and myself could get a pickup from a field.
Angel: Which field?
Twitch: Well...are you watching the news by any chance?
Angel: You mean that one behind the DocWagon facility that just got fragged?
Twitch: Yeah, that field.
Angel: Well hey, I'm afraid I don't know you, but look me up if you get away from LoneStar. *click*

The character in question accepted a job to blow up a DocWagon facility. He decided to screw over the party (and the employer) by calling DocWagon and warning them.

Character: "Do I get a reward for brining you this information?"
DW operator: "Uh... yeah. Head to the payphone at the corner of 145th and Vine. We'll get in touch with you there."

An hour later the character shows up at the payphone and steps inside the booth. The phone rings, and as he picks it up, a bullet digs through his chest. His resistance roll comes up with no successes.

GM: "As your vision fades, you see the lights of a DocWagon HTR van speeding down the street."
Character: "Well, that's good."
GM: "...you never wake up."

To this day, the GM still hasn't told us if it was DocWagon, our employer, or a rogue party member that killed him.

GM: "A package arrives at your door."
Armistice: "What name is on it?"
GM: "Your name."
Armistice: "You need to be more specific... is it my street name, my real name, my ACTUAL real name, or the name I was born with?"

Twitch approaches a joygirl. "Excuse me, prostitute..." The joygirl slaps him across the face, hard enough to cause light stun.
Twitch: "That's my kinda girl."

The mage passed out in the middle of the run, and managed to accomplish next to nothing. The character rode unconscious in the back of the party's van for the rest of the run, and finally wakes up after the party checked in with their Johnson (and got a sizeable bonus), and headed to a restaraunt to celebrate. He heads into the restaraunt and joins the party, who are eating steaks.
Mage: "So what's my cut?"
Merc: "Uh... 500 nuyen. The Johnson really screwed us over."
Mage: "That sucks. Hey, that a soysteak?"
Merc: "Yup. Best soysteak 500 nuyen can buy."

A phone rings.
Caller(having hacked himself in way too deep): Is this Damien Knight?
DK: Yes, it is. And who is this?
Caller: Were you aware that your refrigerator is running?
DK: Is it? Hold for a minute, will you?
DK puts the caller on hold and pulls up another line.
DK: Security? Trace the call on line 2, and have them and everyone they know tortured to death.
Goes back to line 2.
DK: Still there?
Caller: Uh-huh.
DK: Thank you for informing me, I'll have you taken care of immediately.
Caller: Anytime!
*click*

The team steps out of an apartment building in the barrens, where they just set off explosives, destroying the third floor. As they are coming out a local group of go-gangers approaches them.
Go-ganger: What were you doing in that appartment?
Orc: We were looking for somebody.
Go-ganger: I think you found somebody.
Orc: No, no one was home.

Bah: "I like spikes"
Bah was a orc brawler with roughly 4 essense burned on spiked implants, also the phrase of the day
MHook

The team have pried open are about to decend an elevator shaft leading to a subterrainian complex.

Lenny (Shaman): I jump down.

Collector (Mage): I jump down.

Boogiepop (Decker): I jump down.

Lenny (Shaman): Cast levitate.

Collector (Mage): Cast levitate.

Boogiepop (Decker): Shit.

Armistice's team had broken down the door to the security control center to the DocWagon warehouse they were desperately trying to flee before the bombs that they left exploded or Lonestar got any closer than the front gate. She was the first to address the jacked-in security rigger with all the social finesse of jerking his jack out of his head and giving him his first case of dump shock this evening. She needed him to run over the cops with the forklift and then make an escape hole with the very same forklift.

Armistice placed her gun against his head.

“Run the cops over with that forklift!”

She plugged him back in when he nodded. She turned around to see the forklift headed straight towards her, not the cops. She then yanked out his jack again and, in a fit of retribution, punched him with all her furry.

“Son of a slitch!”

His head bounced between his shoulders and hung at an odd angle.

“Oh drek! Wake up, please,” she said as she tried to righten his limp head. ”I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

"Who has more combat skills, you or the bunny?"
--A patient GM

Armistice's team called her again to be bailed out of a fire fight. She climbed the side of a building in her lonestar body armour, the only armour she could find on the blackmarket in her size, and met a young boy on the roof. When her group panicedly asked her what was taking her on the radio, she told them this boy kept asking her questions. This boy turns out to be some physical adept that her team crossed before.

Apparently it was a bad crossing, and they told her to kill him. Here she has to listen to their screams on the radio and answer the boys inane questions about her uniform.

"Are you from Lonstar?"

"Ah, yeah."

"Where did you get the gun?"

"Ah, it is standard issue."

"Can I have one too?"

"No."

"Why?"

Armistice finally losses her patients and hits the boy in the head, sending him straight into unconciousness.

The GM said as if he were an announcer, "Congradulations! You just concussed your fan club! How does that make you feel?"

"Meh, I'll slot my concience latter," her player said as Armistice worked the action of her gun and stalked forward.

...

Ah, the sweet tang of guilt.

The Great Krass:

OOC: Pelch, "Well then, Perfidious Albion shall with hold, with great reluctance mind you, the bold strokes of my witty pen, wherein, I set down for history the quick wit and foolish comments of the world of SR. This will be, perforce, an attempt to entice and seduce certain laggard toadies in our world to take part in the glorious opportunity to show their metal as more than Chimpira (Cheap or Fool's Gold). I am being kind and generous to give our roguish friends from Canada, America and my other sinful minion Mao, an additional period to contribute to the rampant degeneracy, iniquity, and malevolence of our thread. I suggest they do not delay or act tardily for I will soon be unable to halt my forward motion and will offend again."

Just in case this is unclear to their befuddled senses, this means that I am giving Krondax, Mao and Emyaj one more day to post before I continue.

The Proboards:

OOC: Pelch, "You go Eon. As for me? I do my part. Take yesterday for instance. I celebrated the anniversary of 9/11 by stealing Krass's Big Screen Trideo. I pawned it at Corndork's for 50 NuYen worth of Rock Crack Cocaine so that I could slip it into Widow's drink. When she wakes up in bed with Mao and says WTF? I will have done my bit for humanity. "

The Great Krass:

GM to Krass, "So you get to the mall trying to track Eon down. It doesn't take you long. She is in the ladies changing room trying on some new clothes."

Krass smiles and rubs his hands. "I show my fake Lone Star badge to the old bat on the door and I boldly walk into the ladies changing area."

GM, "Why am I not surprised? There are several stalls with closed doors. Now what?"

Krass, "I yell, "FIRE! and step aside."

GM, "Stupid, but effective. Woman pour out of the stalls and you see Eon grabbing a robe in her underwear. She figures out what you did immediately. It's beating time."

Krass, "I look innocent and say, Got any toilet paper in there?"

It is all about Frank who engage runner to cover himself when he return to berlin pay an old debt to the local mafia godfather. After they have been pursued by nazi they decide to get the car loose and take a taxi to go hide themselves. It is a tourism taxi, more like a big drone continually saying anoying thing on a loud computer voice. Sudunly on of the players, playing an halloweener, broke the comp to obtain silence. The taxi stop and the cash slot does not open.
Frank : Good! And how are we supose to get out of this now.
Halloweener : I don't know. But at least now we can think!

The Proboards:

The elf spoke humorously, "Now that we got to my room why don't we do some math? We can Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply."

Angel made a disgusted face, "How many cheesy lines do you have?"

The elf laughed, "It's part of my charm. Does this one sound better? The word of the day is 'legs'. Now that we are back at my place why don't you spread the word?"

"You don't really think I'm going to fall for that corn do you?"

He smiled and clapped his hands and on the third clap a gun popped out of his sleeve. It was aimed right at her. He wasn't smiling and looked dead serious.

"1-800-Flowers: Never have any regrets"
--Ad for the Militant Flowers

"1-800-Flowers: Always on time, Always in style, Always the right color.

1-800-FLOWERS: Leave your mark (to us)

From the #S-Run Files...

Malachi Dichuimhne, a Tir na nOg Spec-Ops NovaCoke junkie, has been hired by Oyabun Tokonawa to watch his daughter's pet leopard for the weekend while they go on vacation, as the family has been under threat from Eco-Terrorists who want to free the cat.

SR4GM: At last you arrive to a room, obviously the daughter's room, decorated in feminine fashion. The leopard is lying on the bed, curled up and sleeping.

Malachi jumps back from the door. "SONUVABAETCH!"

Malachi: "Yeh just let it lumber 'round like dat, free of a cage?! Are yeh kiddin' me?"

Yakuza Goon: "It is very docile. Do you think Oyabun Tokonawa would let his daughter near it, if it wasn't?"

Malachi: "...bu...But dat is a BIG FRAGGIN' CAT, man!"

SR4GM: The leopard picks it's head up, looking around very groggy, and yawning.

Malachi points, startled again, moving away from the door.

* SR4GM It stretches it's claws out, kneading the blankets on the bed. You can hear it purring.

Malachi: "DID YEH SEE DAT?! Look at those TEETH, man! Ah'n now it's growlin'!

Malachi: "Dat t'ing is VICIOUS! I dunno which bloody cat yer lookin' at, Yakkie, but DAT T'ING wants teh EAT MY BLOODY FACE!"

Malachi lights a cigarette, jittery, and begins walking away from the door. "Dis is gonna be a drek weekend, I can tell yeh dat much.. Knew five gran' in deh bag was too easy fer angelin' a fraggin' cat.."

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec), Bob the slightly twitchy over cybered troll, Tink the dwarf rigger, and Squirrel the ex-ganger medic.

Whistler (As we pull up in front of our targets warehouse)- "So we all understand our assignment?"
Bob - "Uhm kill 'em all?"
Tink - "No lard-hoop! We gotta steal the gizmo!"
Squirrel - "I thought this time we were supposed to get intel and leave quietly."
Whistler - "No we get the intel and grab the truckload of. . . . ."
*Beep*
Whistler - "What was that beep?"
Bob looks up - "Erm I activated the bomb."
Squirrel, Whistler, and Tink in Unison - "Bomb?"

Turns out none of us had been listening. We were to pick up the niece of Mr. Johnson and escort her to the airport. We blamed it on the people who had a price on her head and got to keep the initial half pay from Mr. Johnson . We got full price for her death from the other guys though.

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec)

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec), Bob the slightly twitchy over cybered troll, Tink the dwarf rigger, and Squirrel the ex-ganger medic.

Fixer - "Who needs what this time?"
Squirrel - "I could stand a new smg, my old one has bite marks on the barrel."
Fixer - "Bite marks?"
Whister - "We need a new ride, something with a washable interior."
Tink - "And a sunroof."
Fixer - "Sunroof?"
Squirrel - "Don't forget it has to have enough room for Bob and trunk room for several."
Fixer - "Several?!"
Tink - "You want I should write all this down?"
Fixer (after several moments) - "No, nevermind I don't wanna know, I can get it for you by tomorrow."
Tink - "Oh and be sure it is amphibious and armoured would you?"
Fixer - "What the drek is Mr Johnson having you do this time?"
Whistler - "Mr Johnson? Oh no we are going to the beach, but it is always best to be prepared. . . . ."
Tink (eyes squinted ominously) - "Especially at the beach."

Whistler (Elf Weapon Spec)

The Great Krass:

Talking Head Newscaster: "Today the top Mayor of Seattle said in October that he would relinquish his personalized license plates after state officials threatened to investigate several complaints about them. Mayor Devlin Krass said his FOAD1 plate stood for "Freedom Offers Americans Democracy" (No. 1 priority) (instead of what some understood to be "(word omitted) Off And Die") and his HMFIC stood for "Helping My Farmers Increase Crops" (instead of what some understood to be "Head Mother (word omitted) In Charge").

Setting: Two newcommers (Syd the Elf decker and Axel the Elf Physad) to SR, and two veterans (Psyjack Human SS and Rock Dwarf Shaman). They're getting ready to make a run on a building inhabited by gangers. While listening to the briefing, Axel is looking a bit concerned.

Psyjack: (IC) What's up Ax?
Axel: (IC) This is going to be like fighting a ten point buck with nunchucks!
Syd: (IC) Who has the nunchucks?
Party: Stunned silence....

Syd got an extra karma point for dumbfounding the GM

Psyjack

We were hired to help with a gang war, when in the middle of a fire fight this happened.

Ink: I can't shoot any more of these guys!

Swift: WHAT! Why not?!

Ink: If I shoot another round, the ammo loss will cut into my profits. I’ll have to finish the job with my 2x4.

True to his word he did.

To The Fatman, Krass, Eon, Ronilin and other members of the Retros.

I wanted to express my thanks to you guys for helping to make theshadowrun.proboards7.com a wonderful and humorous place to be. Since your leave we have aquired more members and I get PMs about you guys weekly. I do wish the best to you and yours and hope that we will still stay in touch from time to time.

Your friend ALWAYS
Mr. Johnson
aka. Scott G

[Grevan] (OOC), "We zoom in on a handsome, charming man..."
[Desdemona] (OOC), "...picking his nose"

A new player was pestering an assistant GM to find out how lifestyle works.

New Player: So, can I buy a permanent life style?

The Assistant GM said: ... Yes, yes you may /absolutely/ buy a permanent lifestyle.

New Player: Oh, don't say it that way. I am already scared of this game enough with out you saying things like that.

A new player had been pestering an assistant GM about the character that he was trying to make for the last five hours. She tried to help the new player help himself by teaching him what an index or a table of contents is.

He said, "So, what is Karma?

She sighed. "What has happened ever other time you've asked me a question?"

He replied, "Ah... you told me to look it up?"

She said, "Or, you regreted the answer. Now, look it up yourself and angst about it quietly."